ramblings – Girl Gone Cuckoo

love and loss

it’s quite hard for me to write this but i feel that i need to. to vent. to share the experience. to let those who have experienced or are experiencing the same thing that you are not alone. and yes, maybe to assure myself that i am not alone.

this beach trip was 2 weekends ago and i should be almost 3 months pregnant by that time or i should have been. yes, i am saying with a constantly aching heart, that we lost the baby.

we spent such a short time with the knowledge that i was carrying a little one but it really doesn’t make the pain any lesser. the moment we saw those two lines, immense love washed over us like you wouldn’t believe. it was a short pregnancy but the devastation still shattered me. shattered us. is still shattering us.

it is quite common for first pregnancies to end up in a miscarriage but we never really thought it would happen to us. one can’t really go into it and expect to experience it. the news of joy was hard to keep especially when we were bursting at the seams. but it did and we fell into the statistic. if not for the assurance and comfort offered by our doctor, i would have continued to blame myself for losing the baby. luckily, we had a really good obstetrician. so no, i didn’t stress myself out during the pregnancy. i did not run, jump or did anything physically strenuous. i ate right and did not drink alchohol nor take drugs. the baby’s development just ceased to continue. our little blueberry’s heart just stopped. whereas others get to keep their baby despite attempting to terminate their pregnancy by doing physically strenuous things, we did things right and still lost our little one.

it has been a month since we suffered the loss and we have no choice but to move forward. to look ahead and hope for better days. i have to say, it is quite scary being back at one, knowing that it took us almost a year to successfully conceive. but right now, i am hanging on to the faith that we are meant to have a little Harry or Gizelle and it will happen soon enough.

the lipstick effect

the lipstick effect is the theory that in time of economic crisis, women are more likely to buy beauty products to make them more attractive to mates. raise your hand if you’re guilty!

for me though, it’s not so much as being more attractive to mates because i already have the guy i want but it’s really more about feeling better about myself. so yeah, guilty as charged, my red and pink lipsticks have been slightly overused these days. oh the life of a start-up freelancer.

(i wanna hashtag “everythingwillpayoff” but remembered this is blogger. LOL).

sayonara!

lemon and turquoise striped top with sequined pocket – primal rave | skinny jeans – thrifted | pink and gun-metal wedge sandals – people are people | blue satchel – primal rave | powder blue feather earrings – downtown find

last week i officially bid goodbye to a life i thought i wanted. i may sound like a broken record because i did do the same two years ago.

two years ago though when i decided to leave to pursue my dreams, i really wasn’t sure what i wanted to do, not even sure if i really knew what my dreams were. it was done on a whim — that i just needed to get out of there. all i knew at that time was that i wanted to pursue fashion but was still very lost. no wonder i ended up lying awake at night, feeling very scared.

i spent a year working for my sister and spiraled downwards by leaving that job too and taking a home-based online job which made me even unhappier. my sister saw me and said, “straighten up your life.” a friend reminded me, “i thought you wanted to pursue management.” so i got even more scared and went back to what was comfortable (and what earned me more money).

at the end of the day though, everything felt redundant and soon very frustrating. i am a perfectionist by nature so i try to excel at everything i do but it doesn’t necessarily mean that i loved what i am doing. i gave this life another chance but it’s just not for me.

this time, i have more clarity. if things don’t seem clear though, i just have faith. and i am very lucky to have the support of my family and friends. this time, i may have gone cuckoo but i am happy. cuckoos may not have new shoes every month but walking is lighter.

writing my own story

pink blazer – thrifted (for P50!) | white tank top – thrifted | zebra printed shorts – bangkok find
lace-up heels – parisian, sm dept store | dog tag necklace – custom made | red sunnies – bangkok find

90% of the time, i’m that girl who doesn’t give a crap about what other people say about me. i like doing things my way, as long as i’m not hurting anyone. i dress the way i dress and i maintain a carefree and friendly demeanor wherever i am. i try to always give a piece of my mind and hardly resort to keeping things to myself when called for. it may be with this kind of attitude that people misunderstand me and it’s okay. i do not exist to make everyone understand how i am because that’s just foolish. one thing i have learned from Harry when we first got together is this: “People will always have their own version of your story. The important thing is you write your own and live it to its fullest.”

so yeah, people can make up stories about me. i’ll write my own as well. in the end, what matters is i know and LIVE it, my family knows it, harry knows it and my true friends do too.

style blog journey: why i still do it

why do i blog? why did a start blogging? why am i still doing this after 19 months?

why i started my own style blog. i was enthralled by Karla de Rass of Karla’s Closet and Rumi Neely of Fashion Toast that i checked their blogs every day. i soon found other amazing bloggers like Tieka of Selective Potential, Elizabeth of Delightfully Tacky, Alice of Alice Point and Alice Xue of AliceX in Wonderland that my bookmark list was filled to the brim. i’d count the hours at work so i can go home and sit once again in front of another computer and blog hop. it was my escape. it felt really surreal to me checking ladies with real personal fashion, taking themselves out their and making a statement with the way they dress. soon after, i found local bloggers, Denise of Denise Katipunera and Dane of Trust Me It’s Paradise and i ultimately made the decision to start my own. i thought, if i spend 30 minutes to an hour a day just deciding on and composing my outfit, might as well document it right?

how i started. it would be hypocritical of me to say that i didn’t dream of getting recognized and getting my name out there when i first started. most of us belonged to the MTV generation and ultimately grew up with reality TV that it’s hard to deny that we want to become famous and rich one day. be honest, didn’t you dream of the same thing as a kid? i was adamant about getting more hits to my site that i spent hours visiting other blogs, even ones i couldn’t relate to and signed up for other social networking sites like weardrobe, chictopia, bloglovin, etc. to get more exposure. blogging soon became a chore. although i thoroughly enjoy posting my outfits but i became pressured at making a good post that people can relate to. ranking numbers started to frustrate me. blogging became something i had to do and not something i do when i wanted to.

what i realized along the way. i took a step back and reminded myself why i started blogging in the first place — because i love fashion. because i am an advocate of personal style over trends. my blog is simple and has little fuss. what i gained along the way is something i never thought i’d have more of if i didn’t start blogging: amazing new friends and a readership following of real people.

people ask me if i want to become a model because i style blog. no. not at all. i have given up that aspiration 15 years ago when i didn’t go past my 5’2″ height contrary to my parents’ belief (because my sister is 5’7″). i do aspire to be a fashion stylist though but i know that’s something i have to work towards to and not through blogging.

so you see, fashion blogging is not about the fame and fortune nor is it about getting free stuff or invites to exclusive events or parties. if they do come, then i consider it a blessing. it’s not even about buying the most expensive piece of clothing because it’s what is on trend. it’s about being real and expressing our passion for fashion through our personal style.

ruched cotton top – thrifted

grey crocheted cardigan – mom’s closet (thrifted)

black leggings – random

grey flats with embellishments – bangkok find

cutout pewter cuff – shopyapi.com

skull ring | layered necklace – carbon finds

boater hat – bangkok find

swallows my flying sorrows

just when i thought i had everything figured out, i wake up one morning with utter panic and pangs of confusion as i realize that i am completely lost. they say 27 is the age of confusion. i didn’t realize it could be true or this hard. as of now, there’s a 70% possibility of doing a complete 360 on my career. all my life i’ve always aimed at being streamlined, knowing what exactly i am doing and being able to strategically plan out my next steps. i grew up being the daughter that worked hard in making her parents proud but i’m afraid i’ve become a slight disappointment. as of now, i have this strong urge to just throw caution to the wind. spend my life savings. travel. bum at the beach. be careless. study fashion design. eat out. do nothing.

tomorrow this can change but life’s been unpredictable and so are my feelings. i’ve been an hour late for work everyday for the past 3 weeks but i woke up early today and came in on time. so we’ll see.

swallow-printed maxi skirt – thrifted

white tank top – random

black long cardigan – thrifted (& overused..haha!)

gold metallic ballet flats – bangkok find

oversized dream catcher necklace – gifted from Sweet

black grommeted belt – bangkok find

faux gold bangle – props

tie-dyed in the middle of nowhere

what do you do if you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere after the car you’re driving overheats and conks out? for starters, get the guys to search for nearby houses and ask for water. second, take a deep breath and appreciate the scenery. third, take photos. oh yeah, i forgot, i called my dad too. LOL. he’s in that car doing a u-turn while i posed for photo.

on my first long drive, around 3 hours to the north of Cebu, my car overheats. typical. this happened on the way home. we left the beach house at 3:30 PM and could have been back in the city by 6:00 to 7:00 PM. instead, we got home around 8:30 PM, very hungry and grumpy. well, i’ll just charge this to experience. next time, check water on the way to the destination AND upon going home. *duh*

pink tie-dyed ethnic printed top – thrifted

denim shorts – props

yellow flip-flops – roxy

wide-brimmed floppy hat – shopyapi.com

yellow printed scarf – thrifted

wooden bangles – carbon finds + gifts from WAGW

mondays all throughout the week

poor Monday. everybody hates it. it’s not as if Monday did anything to us. it’s just coincidentally situated after a weekend and is just a strong reminder that we have to go back to work or school. i don’t know when i’ve ever been excited for a Monday. maybe in college when i couldn’t wait to see my crush.

lately though, i’ve been having Mondays all throughout the week. as i look back on my previous posts, this laziness and almost-lethargic state that i’m in started on Christmas break. not only have i been sick with my herniated disc acting up, i’ve been unmotivated to get off my bed. it definitely is not helpful for my suffering salary and work. i’ve been finding myself utterly confused about what to do with my life and whether i should be where i am. one thing i only know is how intent i am to marry Harry this year or by early next year. that’s it and i’m lost with the rest of my life. i discussed this with Harry yesterday after visiting the doctor and he noted that i get like this every year. i pondered on it and realized that i do. i hate to admit it but with the slew of lazy days from Christmas break to summer gets me reflecting and over thinking about my things which leads to unhealthy realizations or nonsensical questions and doubts. gaaah, drama! so i’m soldiering on and just hope to get past August, where things usually start getting okay for me. *praying hard*

anyway, just got back from the doctor yesterday and had my MRI results read. as it turns out, i have a few (yes, not just one but 4) mild bulging discs on my spine which is causing me numbness and pain on my neck, arms and legs because these bulging discs pinch my spine. on my MRI, my spine looks like it has a few ridges because of the bulging discs. aside from that, my MRI showed that this bulging discs are also degenerating — something that’s not supposed to happen until i’m in my 60’s. oh well, that’s what i get for working night shifts for 5 years, sitting in front of the computer for hours on end and playing flag football for 4 years from sleepless nights.

white graphic tee – bangkok find

cream pleated trousers – shopyapi.com

camel strappy heels – forever 21

camel braided belt – shopyapi.com

fringe tassel earrings – DIY

shopyapi.com is on sale with selected items at 10% – 20% off! check it out now!

i shampoo and brilliance comes out!

i’ve been losing sleep because a lot has been running on my mind lately. the last two hours before my eyes shut down are one of the best times to think. i’ve also found myself attending sunday masses and my head just has this influx of thoughts and ideas that i lose focus. and oooh, i believe that in the process of shampooing my hair, the head is massaged into producing creatives and brilliance. do you believe so too?

future plans. future projects that i can’t divulge yet because i don’t want to jinx it. are you superstitious like that? or is it just me. sometimes, when i want something bad enough, i am so so tempted to talk about it but i get a hold of myself because i want things to be right first before blabbing about it. trust me when i say that not blabbing is so hard for me because i am such a chatterbox my old elementary teacher transferred me to the opposite side of the room because i was always talking. LOL.

one thing is for sure, with my future project, i would need all your support. *smile and nod please!* yes, that’s more like it.

ps. i’ll be gone for the weekend to have a super belated anniversary celebration with Harry in his hometown. on our first year, we went to Bohol. on the second year, we went to Moalboal beach. this year, the plan is to have a food trip among the amazing food places in Dumaguetue.

ps.2. i may sound gross but i only shampoo every other day. and on days when i don’t shampoo, my hair is like this. gross but i love it! haha.

floral dress – thrifted

eggshell mesh booties – parisian, sm dept store

leaf necklace and chair necklace – carbon finds

silver cuffs – carbon find

reality bites

…and so does the sun when it suddenly shows up bringing in warm air after i’ve bundled myself in a cardigan when i woke up cold this morning. the economy or gas prices are more predictable than the weather we’re having these past few weeks. after almost 3 weeks of really cold air, it was such a shock to be breathing and feeling warmer air especially in an outdoor meeting with a german and korean client and you see them sweating profusely. LOL.

anyway, speaking of reality, i am now finding myself being forced to scrimp and let go of my holiday-super-spending days after having computed my finances and finding out i might not be able to afford my way living if i continue to spend like how i am spending. bigger plans are in store for me this year and they definitely need money. i want to say f*ck money but hey, we need it to survive whether we like or not. money simply doesn’t grow on trees. switching to a day job caused my salary to get cut in half but i can’t complain because i’ve been a lot happier and at peace with myself since i moved. so no more new pairs of shoes or even thrifting escapades until june for me. i just hope i can manage this. wish me luck!

striped tee – platinum mall, bangkok

blue striped oversized cardigan – thrifted

skinny jeans – chillypapa

black studded flats – mongkok, hongkong

red studded belt – pratunam, bangkok

layered chain necklace – carbon find

silver bangles – forever 21 from sweet + carbon finds

rings + brown sunnies – carbon finds

a solace from insecurities

as i was editing these photos today, i realized that my lips are extra pouty in them. upon closer look, they turn out to be my natural pout which is funny because i remember being so insecure about them as a child. when i was just a kid, my mom would sometimes scold me and tell me to purse my lips because i’ve pouted them too much. then this realization led me to another one — that as a kid, i’ve had way to many insecurities about myself and i can’t believe i have overcome them.

it wasn’t until high school that i full embraced my curls. i used to comb them really hard in elementary and pretend i had straight hair like the girls in movies. it wasn’t until second year high school when i stopped combing them, just shook them off after applying hair lotion and allowed them to air dry.

it also used to take me a while to try on a trend because the consciousness with my body preceded my courage to try them out. it took me months to try on the skinny jeans, the ankle booties or the wedges because i was so conscious of my rounder, more muscular legs. now, i can’t part with them.

apart from growing up and making fashion mistakes along the way while learning from them, this blog, more importantly has taught me to love myself more. to try out new things, new looks and to think outside the box when it comes to styling. if you’re reading this and you’re a style blogger, what have you learned from blogging about your style? if you’re not a style blogger, what kind of blog do you maintain and what have you learned from it? i’m looking forward to your answers.

ps. thank you all so much for giving me amazing, romantic and even naughty suggestions for way harry and i can celebrate our 36th month together. find out how we did celebrate it, on my friday post!

oversized polo – thrifted

white tank top – thrifted

skinny jeans – chilly papa

eggshell mesh cuban-heeled booties – parisian, sm dept store

studded belt – pratunam, bangkok

brass cuffs – carbon find

faux gold necklace – carbon find

brown sunnies – carbon find

get your boy to buy you a pair of shoes

first of all, thanks for the sympathy with my last post. your responses surely made me laugh, what with some of you raising both hands and some even their feet. it comforts me to know that so many of you can relate to me.

in continuation with the previous post, i’d like to believe that the best way to recover from the disorder is to form a support system from family and friends. as my i’ve outgrown asking stuff from my parents and the only way i can get stuff from my sisters is when christmas comes around, my best bet is my boyfriend.

as you may have noticed in some of my outfit details, a few of my shoes are gifted from Harry. gifted, yes but not really his own idea. i once had someone ask how harry buys amazing shoes for me and if he has great style as well. well, he buys them in cash (haha!) and he does have a certain laid-back style but not the kind of style where he’ll see a pair of shoes and immediately think it’s stylish and is perfect for me. i’d like that to remain that way as i don’t want my boyfriend to be leaning towards girly stuff (if you know what i mean).

visting department stores and different shoe stores is one way you can get the idea into your boyfriend’s mind. try on a few pairs and don’t stop gushing over them until he gets the point. saying it would look good with that dress would also help. talking incessantly about the pair even after you’ve left the store is one way for the idea to stick to his head. yes sure, these may be good steps and have been tried and tested by most girls but remember, guys are not mind readers. actually, there’s no one i know who can read minds. so giving hints and having your boyfriend pick them up may be romantic but there’s an 85% chance that you’ll get the wrong pair (or size or color) when you open your present.

so how do i get Harry to buy me a pair of shoes? i tell him. LOL. it would be good if you have an agreement to give gifts during birthdays and christmas which we have. so right when these occasions are nearing, i tell him straight to the point, “i want shoes for my birthday (or for christmas).” how do i get him to buy the right pair, size and color? i take a photo of the pair and save it in his phone with my shoe size as the photo name.

and that’s how you get your boyfriend to buy you shoes. it’s a win-win. he’s free from having to guess and take hints while i get to plan my outfits imagining the pair of shoes i’ll be getting. *wink*

polka top – thrifted

lace-detailed pleated skirt – thrifted

black cuban heels – parisian (gifted from Harry!)

black studded bucket bag – parisian, sm dept store

studded belt – pratunam, bangkok

necklaces: house key – DIY | elephant tusk – bangkok

metallic cuff – carbon find

bow ring – carbon find