prayer – Girl Gone Cuckoo

love and loss

it’s quite hard for me to write this but i feel that i need to. to vent. to share the experience. to let those who have experienced or are experiencing the same thing that you are not alone. and yes, maybe to assure myself that i am not alone.

this beach trip was 2 weekends ago and i should be almost 3 months pregnant by that time or i should have been. yes, i am saying with a constantly aching heart, that we lost the baby.

we spent such a short time with the knowledge that i was carrying a little one but it really doesn’t make the pain any lesser. the moment we saw those two lines, immense love washed over us like you wouldn’t believe. it was a short pregnancy but the devastation still shattered me. shattered us. is still shattering us.

it is quite common for first pregnancies to end up in a miscarriage but we never really thought it would happen to us. one can’t really go into it and expect to experience it. the news of joy was hard to keep especially when we were bursting at the seams. but it did and we fell into the statistic. if not for the assurance and comfort offered by our doctor, i would have continued to blame myself for losing the baby. luckily, we had a really good obstetrician. so no, i didn’t stress myself out during the pregnancy. i did not run, jump or did anything physically strenuous. i ate right and did not drink alchohol nor take drugs. the baby’s development just ceased to continue. our little blueberry’s heart just stopped. whereas others get to keep their baby despite attempting to terminate their pregnancy by doing physically strenuous things, we did things right and still lost our little one.

it has been a month since we suffered the loss and we have no choice but to move forward. to look ahead and hope for better days. i have to say, it is quite scary being back at one, knowing that it took us almost a year to successfully conceive. but right now, i am hanging on to the faith that we are meant to have a little Harry or Gizelle and it will happen soon enough.

thank you, darleng

this was your signature pose, darleng and i sincerely pray you get just that — peace.

though we’re still all recovering from the shock and disbelief but it is indeed too soon to be associating you with the word “was.” well death, they say, is always on time and that we should accept it. for now, all we can do is remember not your death but the life you lived.

i have to admit, i wasn’t always your biggest fan. the relationship you had with my sister was, for the lack of a better word, confusing but it made perfect sense to the both of you. over the last 2 years, i have seen my sister mature and learn to be independent. she has grown up to be kinder, more considerate and level-headed and it wouldn’t have happened if not for you. i have seen her sincerely and inexplicably in love. my sister has learned what it is to truly love without inhibitions, without conditions. for that, darleng, i thank you with all my heart. you changed her life and in turn, you changed ours. you will forever be missed. we love you!

to my readers, who have been patient enough to hang on after 2 weeks of being MIA, thank you. my family went through a shocking and tragic ordeal on the morning of Sinulog and we needed time to recover from the grief. my sister needs all the support so for now, i am a sister first, a wife second and a blogger third. as always, thank you for your support. life is a gift from God and we should cherish it everyday.

morbidly chic

i’ve been coveting this Alexandar McQueen-inspired bag since last year when i first saw them in the Chatuchak market in Bangkok. i didn’t get the chance to buy them though because they were selling them at a despicably high price for an imitation bag. i go to lengths to get the items i want but not for a steep price. my patience did me good because on our trip last February, i finally found one being sold at half the price it was originally sold at last year. it’s boho-shaped with a number of skull studs and a dash of fringe — what more can i ask for? incidentally, my favorite grey bag i bought from Hongkong died on me so i have another good reason to buy a new grey bag.

on another note, our internet at home is still erratic and i’m seriously considering disconnecting from Smart, our provider. it’s only now that we’ve had this issue though but it’s been 2 weeks and they still haven’t fixed it. i think it’s our location, specifically because i tried bringing our wifi router to our office and the connection was working fine. i hope you all still hang tight for posts from me. i really do apologize for not having blogged much these days and not replying to your comments. i’m doing the best i can to work around this issue so yeah, i’m sneaking in a post while on my lunch here at the office.

my prayers go out to the victims of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. may God give you comfort amidst the chaos and strength to survive the aftermath.

ps. i laud Japan though for being well-prepared for the 8.9 earthquake. if it happened here in the Philippines (God, i hope not), we all would have been erradicated. our infrastructures are just not engineered and built to survive earthquakes, nor is our government for that matter.

pale blue dress – thrifted

knitted pink shawl – thrifted

grey skull-studded boho bag – bangkok find

layered chain necklace | letter necklace – carbon finds

stacks of silver bangles – carbon finds

elephant ring – carbon find

coral red ellipse ring – bangkok find

oversize silver flower ring – forever 21, gifted by Sweet of pens and lens