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it started with her daily deliverable and his helping hand. a roll of scotch tape. a few laughs. an interesting conversation. a pint of chocolate ice cream. heck, even a box of ham. he reminded her of someone. she was someone completely different from the girls in his life. it took off with lunch. and the next thing she knew, she was placing a blind-fold over her eyes, took the wheel, stepped on the gas and started driving blind-folded. her heart carefully tucked in his hands. a turning point. he made her believe in magic again. she made him believe magic still existed. inexplicable. unfathomable. questions of when and how they both stepped into the same moment when this roller coaster took off. smiles. unexpected tears. sudden pangs of jealousy. falling in love.

flag football was introduced to me 4 years ago when i had nothing else to do with my life but mope about my broken heart, go clubbing or partying and study every once in a while. the chargers became my first flag football family. we started out with 14 guys and 3 girls and on our first season, we only had 1 win. that was when we had red horse instead of water while we were playing…haha! a year after, i experienced my first semis with the chargers — it was against the flamingos. that 8 on 8 season was the craziest season i had — waking up at 4am to practice, fighting with the coach, the team captains and myself. that season was filled with tears, heartaches and triumphs.

and now, playing for the dark angels…welp, i can’t describe the experience with them to the core. just this, the angels keep me motivated amidst my busy and routine day. saturday is angels + flag football day.

but last october 27, during our game against the bombshells, i endured an accident on my right knee. after 4 years of playing, i mistakenly placed all the force on my right knee when i stopped for my run to grab the flag. it hurt like hell and i couldn’t walk for one whole day. my knee would hurt when i moved. so just imagine how i stank when i couldn’t shower until sunday. haha! seriously, i had to contemplate and worry to death whether i could walk again. fortunately, i still could. i found out i had a tear on my meniscus. The menisci are two pads of cartilaginous tissue which serve to disperse friction in the knee joint between the lower leg (tibia) and the thigh (femur). with the tear, i can hardly straighten my leg nor bend it.

november 5th is the day i had to decide with a heavy heart to give up the sport i loved so much — even in my sleep. it’s ironic how i’ve always lived by “everything happens for a reason” yet i can’t fathom the reason for my injury. i realized that this is the end of football for me yet it’s really hard to let it go. football kept me alive. it kept me young. but sadly, i would have to park my cleats and hang my jersey. i would have to grow up.

on my 15th birthday, i wrote you my wishes. on my party, i was led into our house blind-folded. i opened my eyes to find all my friends there. and the most special person at that time of my life in front of me, holding my birthday cake. my best friend made my wishes come true. i don’t know how you found all our childhood friends, but they were all there. and the rest if history.

i know we’ve grown to be different people 7 years later. with the distance between us, we’ve been through rough times on our own. with people so different from us. when you left, i always thought the distance would drift us apart. but it only made our friendship stronger. distance cannot cause rifts in friendships, selfishness can. i wasn unhappy for so long that when i found hope in being alive again, i selfishly forgot how i can hurt people’s feelings with it. i tried to forget that i will be hurting you. you always said i deserved to be selfish. that was one shitty advice i never should have done to you.

my birthday is nearing and yet i go by the days feeling like i’ve lost a piece of my puzzle. i lost my soulmate. the only person who understood me. the only person who wouldn’t laugh at my dreams. i’ve always dwelled that maybe time will heal everything. it’s comforting to think that it does. but sometimes, time only makes you numb. but still, i’m hoping that someday you would understand. things can never be the same again, i know that. but it wouldn’t hurt to start over right?

we lose friends along the way. meet new acquaintances, only to forget them after a couple of weeks. but family can’t be lost just like that. best friends cannot be lost in just a whim.

and i’m hoping this gets to you somehow. i don’t know how. just know that i’m still here.

went to karla’s apartment yesterday to buy some stuff. only bought one dress- which was cute by the way – if only i’ll have somewhere to wear it. i stayed there for 2 hrs. we were just catching up on what’s been going on in our lives. and reminiscing about the old days. wishing we can have a reunion. damn it’s been 10 years.

and so karla and i realized that the things happening to us now, have happened to us back in elementary. but the only difference is, the elemenraty days didn’t have as much drama as now. we could easily let go of things. like if the guy we liked, liked somebody else all of a sudden, it’s really okay. i guess age comes with drama. and drama becomes bigger when we’ve gone through so much shit.

back in the day, when a boy throws stuff at you, we’d be oblivious that it was just a sign of him liking us. when your crush turns out to like your friend, we hurt but then we move on. there are more crushes. when he gets your number, he really calls. even if it’s after a month since he can’t muster up the courage to actually say anything on the other line. when we fall in love, it’s the happiest thing.

right now, when a boy suddenly throws stuff at you, we have 2nd thoughts. because we’re not sure if he does like us. or he was just kidding around. when a guy we like turns out to like your friend, it hurts deep. and we’d feel rejected. we actually shed tears for this. when a guy gets your number, we instantly think that he just wants to be a friend. and yes, you send text messages back and forth but it suddenly stops. and then we move on. and today, when we fall in love, it’s a rollercoaster ride. it’s not all giggles and butterflies in the stomach. it’s also dizziness. confusion. doubts.

so i’m thinking. at 22 years old, maybe we should learn to treat things like we were still 12 or 15 years old. uncomplicated. innocent. and maybe, we won’t be hurting this much.

life that is..

it was only last week that i realized how life went on for me without me knowing it. people are asking if i’m okay. i guess i am. but then again, maybe i just ignored the drama. after all, there’s nothing i can do about it really. good things have to come to an end. it was fun. at one point, i smiled about it throughout my day. there WAS a point when the mere thought of ‘us’ pulled me out of my bed.

so now, i’m back to waiting. i’m not sure if i’m ready. ready to put myself in the same situation again. so i wake up at 10pm, go to work. busy myself with evaluations, and meetings. go home at 9am. eat breakfast. watch a little bit of TV. then sleep. pretty much routine. and i wait for something to surprise me. make me fall. make me smile. whatever happens, is bound to happen at some point.

when a guy will tell her that he will not do the same things the other guys did to hurt her, she hopes she can still believe him..

when a guy will tell her he’s sure about what he feels, she hopes she can still believe him..

when a guy will tell her that she makes him smile, she hops she can still believe him..

when a guy will tell her he wants her..
when a guy will tell her he’d defy the consequences..
when a guy will tell her he won’t fail her..

she hopes she can still believe him..

‘Di mo lang alam
Naiiisip kita
Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako
‘di mo lang alam
Hanggang sa aking inaasam makita kang muli
Nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaasahang pahanon
At ngayon ako ay iyong iniwan
Luhaan, sugatan, ‘di mapakinabangan
Sana nagtanong ka lang
Kung ‘di mo lang alam
Sana’y nagtanong ka lang
Kung ‘di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Hindi mo lang alam
Kay tagal na panahon
Ako’y nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon para sa’yo
Lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
‘di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
Kung ako’y nagkasala patawad na sana
Puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal
‘di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s’ya na lang
Sana’y ako naman
‘di mo lang alam
Ika’y minamasdan
Sana’y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam
‘di mo lang alam
Kahit tayo’y magkaibigan lang
Napapaligaya lang sa tuwing nagkukulitan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Ako’y nandito lang
Hindi mo lang alam
Matalino ka naman
Kung ikaw at ako
Ay tunay na bigo sa laro na ito
Ay dapat bang sumuko
Sana hindi ka lang pala aking nakilala
Kung alam ko lang ako’y masasaktan ng ganito
Sana’y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko
‘di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s’ya na lang
Sana’y ako naman
Isang kindat man lang
‘di mo lang alam
O, ika’y minamasdan
Sana iyo’y mamalayang di mo lang pala alam
Oooooooo
Malas mo
Ikaw ang natipuhan ko
Di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan

2 months ago, i dug a hole that i very well knew i might not get out of. but i continued digging because my selfishness blinded me from seeing that i’m hurting others in the process of pursuiting happiness. i ignored the fact that i’ll be hurting people closest to me. i somehow managed to get out of the hole. good thing. i thought i was completely out of it. until it came back to me several days ago. i started slipping. but i was only at the brink. last night, i found out another person was swimming in my own hole. swimming in the shit that i filled it. and by the person i trusted the most.

it all fell into place. i lost restlessness because i knew the answers now. but i never thought the answers would hurt me in the worst possible way. my heart didn’t beat. it didn’t break when i found out about it. i have come to the worst part of myself, i have become indifferent. and numb.

“i’m not upset that you lied to me. i’m upset that from now on i can’t believe you.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche

we always want what other people have. OR we think we have what we want — something we think others don’t have. BUT it turns out, what we have is nothing special — it’s just the same as everybody else’s. THEN we begin to re-think things. and start to want more.

all of us are in denial. at least i recognize that i am. i am here for him not because i am pretending to be his friend because hey, i really am. but in saying that i am no longer hoping, then you can call me a liar. hope is all i have now. and it’s hard because while i’m hoping for him, he’s still hoping for another.

he’s been silent. i can tell that he’s thinking about other things. he’s thinking about her. and i look ahead and feel nothing. at least, pretend that i feel nothing. if only i can make him smile. if only i know how to make him laugh again. but the only thing i can do is assure him i’m here.

although i have managed to forget that there was a point that we did try to make things work, it’s hard sometimes to forget how wonderful those days were.

i am still hoping. i am hoping on a lot of things. one of those is for him to let her go and realize that i am here. i don’t want to be a damn statistic but i guess i am. what the hell, he made me smile.

they say you will never learn to be happy until you know what you want. so we took a week to at least list down a few things that we want — specifically what we want in a guy. to be honest, i didn’t really find the use for creating a list. we were enough of snobs to now have a list. but nevertheless, i still wrote some stuff down. just so maybe i may discover something about myself that could miraculously change me. haha, wishful thinking!

in a guy…
i want a guy with a good sense of humor..someone who can make me smile..he can be sarcastic but not to the point of annoyance..he can be corny..as long as i’m laughing..

i’d want him to be someone who can take control of almost all situations..and if not, be courageous enough to admit that he needs help..someone who’s responsible..i’d want someone i can feel safe with..someone who can tell me what’s wrong with me..or at least say what i’m doing wrong..

i want a guy who’s up for anything..or someone who can push me to do things i never thought i’d do..like bunjee jumping or eating an orange..hehe. i’d want someone i can take anywhere with..who’s up for spur of the moment (road) trips..i’d want surprises..he doesn’t have to be totally romantic..just thoughtful..he doesn’t have to buy me expensive stuff..i’d want someone who loves the beach as much as i do..who doesn’t mind getting burned by the sun..and getting frizzy hair because of the salt water..someone who would lie under the stars with me and just talk about anything..

i’d appreciate it if the guy loves music..even if we don’t like the same kind, at least there should be something we can sing about..he doesn’t have to play any instruments although that would be cool too..it would be a plus if he has a sport..but i certainly won’t complain if he doesn’t.. the guy has to love food..i mean, what guy doesn’t? it would be even better if he knew how to cook..

i’d want us to be able to talk about everything..we don’t have to agree on everything..i’d want someone who’d be willing to fight with me..and fight for us..even if it would let us stay on the phone until the wee hours of morning..

i want a guy who’s willing to sacrifice some things in his life not just for me, but for us..because i always tend to put the guy’s happiness first..i would at least like to feel that they’re putting me first too..in one way or another..

… so far that’s it.. but yeah, i have to face it..i need to scrap the list and be more open minded. a list of what i want in a guy will not help me be happy. for all we know, i’m meant for someone who’s the total opposite. i have to have a bigger picture of what i want for my life. and with that, i am ever clueless.

or at least one crate…haha! that’s what my younger sis said about guys who can’t commit. it seems they have all the reasons these days. back in high school, guys couldn’t wait to get girlfriends. but no, after reaching the 20’s, several reasons pop out of nowhere — “i don’t want to get hurt again..”, “i can’t live up to your expectations..”, “i’m not ready to be monogamous”, “i don’t want to hurt you..”, and the most commonly used, “you deserve someone better..” the most overused line. that someone better could be him if he tried. and maybe i don’t need someone better. maybe i just need him. all these lines all boil down to one point, they’re all wimps who are afraid to take the leap because they’ve already set themselves up for disappointment. it’s not that they are not ready at all. they can be ready but it’s just not with me. so bury them in one casket or at least, just stay at home. don’t come near me. don’t flirt with me. don’t smile. don’t make me fall for your humor. don’t kiss me. stay away unless you’re sure you’re ready.